MY Demands! Mine!

[The following is not directed at anyone in particular, or any current events. It's a satire post which I've been considering for a bit.]

So I figure it is time for a few suggestions around here. Some of you might be under the delusion that @Chris runs this shard fairly well, but, though I haven't ever looked at the code and it has been 16 years since I played, I am quite certain that I have a better recollection of what it was like in era, and I also have a list of complaints. As I am a UOR Donor, I feel I have earned the right to post this. My remaining a UOR Donor will be based upon whether or not my suggestions are implemented in every particular. So let us begin.

Chris is always asking for suggestions for Holiday Rewards, but when I make completely reasonable ones, he never implements them! I submit, for the court, two of my best. I would like to note in each of the following cases, I was completely ignored! The first was an IRC log:

[22:19] <~Telamon> This is a good time to suggest rewards/rares
[22:19] <Iago> orange char would be sweet
[22:19] <~Telamon> as im finalizing all that
[22:27] <Cullinarn> Telamon, I think I have it. Are you taking notes?
[22:27] <Cullinarn> Haunted Fortress. Normal fortress with blood running down the walls. Separate haunted sounds for each room. Random skeletal body parts that are all animated, and rare hued. And they speak as well, but it's OO oo OO OOoOOo unless you know SS. And the fortress also has randomized spooky illumination which varies by the hour. Plus, it spawns random gates to undead spawn throughout the overworld. And every third day, there is a 2.5% chance that it will spawn a gate into a private, instanced NoH. Plus, the Fortress does random damage to anyone near it during the night, but collapses into ruin during the day. And while it is ruined, it spawns liches. Not normal liches, but shadow liches, with uber-plat drops. And that plat is liche plat (separate from normal plat) which has its own reward system. The rewards for that are more unique buildings, with their own series of rewards and unique instances. Plus, the fortress spawns cakes.

And I heard nothing! The second, I only have the post. I suspect Chris was around, and that he was deliberately ignoring my awesome idea:

I have a suggestion, Telamon. We need a Christmas fortress unique building with optional plat-reward Santa. Santa would spawn elves, but they would be friendly elves that took the function of mercenaries, and drew HC directly from people's bank accounts. Of course since I am proposing this idea, I would get a free one, and be excused from paying wages. The elves, in turn, would dig holes through the floor, and mine HC using patented BitCoin algorithms, which I expect you to secure the rights to at your expense, based on the donations made to the server. This HC would, in turn, be a special kind of HC, exactly one hue off from current HC. It would be spendable for a completely separate rewards menu, with it's own chain of unique rewards and consequences. Since I have proposed this, and am a donor to the shard, I expect you to devote at least 23 hours of each day calculating how many people are using my rewards menu, to which I have secured the copyright. For each use, I get 3 plat. But that plat is special plat, and is only useable in instanced events spawned by Santa when the number of accounts logged into the client reaches a number set by a second algorithm which I have developed.
That's my first suggestion. I'll get the rest of them to you over PM.

Not only was I, again, ignored, but I was also subjected to ridicule in IRC! And so I get to the first in my list of demands and complaints. Keep in mind, I will ragequit the shard and stop my massive financial support if even ONE of these complaints is not addressed to my satisfaction:
Demands and Complaints:

1) Ban the people who made fun of me in IRC. They hurt my delicate feelings!

2) Go back and check the server logs and alter history to undo any time I ever got scammed or griefed, whether or not I was at fault. I have been here for approximately three years, so I'd get on it now if I were you.

3) Any time any change is going to be made to the shard, I demand the submission of a thorough and formal report on how it will affect me, in particular, no less than 1 week before the changes are proposed to the shard as a whole.

4) Every now and then a boss spawns, and even though I was the one farming for hours, someone else comes in and tries to run me off. Ban them! That's MY Arctic Mage! I was the one who bragged about it and called dibs in IRC! But while I was AFK writing my "dibs" forum post, they came and PKd me and killed it. No fair!

5) My Magic Reflect breaks, every now and then. I demand unbreakable reflect.

6) Spend at least 1-2 hours each day remotely optimizing my computer for UOR, and for all other applications.

7) Stun punch needs it's own hit animation. I want to see sparkles above the other toon's head, and my character should spam "Gotcha!" over his head after the fashion of "[So-and-so] is attacking you!"

I thus issue my formal ultimatum: Spend the requisite time to address all of my complaints and suggestions to my satisfaction, or I'll ragequit, stop donating, and call the shard a "poopy head" on all the Reddit boards!

Oh, and one more thing. Where is CUB? I've been waiting, and I can't imagine what could possibly be occupying all of your time!

You forgot about the due compensation when a change makes your MILLIONS invested in a particular type of pixel is now rendered worthless by a change... It is only FAIR

All those words, and your last sentence was your best.

That can go on the list too @LanDarr, but I'm really committed to my Christmas fortress and elf mines. Do you mind if we address them first?

[OOC: If the post was serious, I apologize if I gave offense. I don't really keep up on current shard events and happenings. This is one I've been thinking about since Halloween.]

I love it.

I would like the following weps to exist.

1. Santa's Whip

2. Cupid's Shaft (can come in different sizes & hues)

3. Uncle Sam's finger

4. Concubine's staff of earth shaking (can come in different sizes & hues)

Approved and added. LanDarr and I are putting together a class action.

May I also make some demands?

No

By all means! This is class action now, so I'm compiling a list of all the demands which need to be met to avoid the catastrophe of me, the most important little snowflake in the universe, quitting the shard.

@scuba I regret to inform you that your wishes have been usurped by the OP.

However, I feel that my defiance would benefit us all WHEN implemented by Chris.

My idea is as follows:

Ethereal Mini Me's.
Available from the reward vendor for 750 plat.
An ethereal version of yourself that appears in your pack that when double clicked allows you to give yourself a piggy back, voiding the use of a mount as you need no longer rely on steeds and solely on mees.

You are welcome.

Approved and added!

Scuba's list makes me feel dirty...

Hahahah

And since it is yourself, does not require a control slot

Approved as amended.

EXACTLY!

I also want a trash bag.

It has the same function as a trash barrel but it can't be used to block access. You can pick it up and move it if it's empty but it won't go in your pack or another container.

10 plat.

Cullinarn....gimme yo island!

.

"That's my first suggestion. I'll get the rest of them to you over PM."

That's gold! Well done sir. Well done.


And, @Sheepdog , the image of giving yourself a piggyback had me lol in the bathroom stall at work. Most awkward.