Some of you might remember me from years ago. Others were never blessed to behold the brilliance of my supreme humility, or stand in awe of my selfless sacrifice. I played, on this shard, from 2013-2015, and again from 2016-2018. Due to a 2018 hiccup in my refreshes, as well as several IRL changes, I have been unable to play these past several years. After careful consideration, I have decided that I might be willing to bless the shard with my presence again. That said, I do have some conditions: (1) I am currently without housing. As some of you will recall, I lost my beloved Blanche Island, and my keep in the city of Gish at the southern tip of Britannia. Thus, I am technically homeless. Being a simple and humble man, I will accept a fortress on grass, together with a compound of no less that 5 two story buildings, as my primary residence. I am not particular about location. It just needs to be on a crossroad, on the same screen as a moongate, no more than one screen from a major dungeon entrance, no more than half a screen from a shrine, and on grass. The fortress must have secure courtyards, and must be free of nuisance spawn. It must, however, include no fewer than four elf spawning locations so that I might hunt in a private garden at Christmas. To avoid a repeat of my refresh hiccup, I must insist that you all take shifts refreshing my buildings for me. (2) While I applaud the guild currently living there for doing the deco in Gish that I never got around to, I must demand that they be evicted. I don't plan on settling there; I just don't want anyone else to have it. I don't care how this gets done. Either the GMs may delete the houses and make it a no-place zone, or other players may band together to hack into their accounts, delete all of their characters, and stand in shifts on the property so that no one may place. Let's just get it done. (3) While I initially intended to demand Blanche Island back, the idea of other players sullying my hallowed ground these past three years has transformed my dreams into dust. Consequently, I demand that Blanche Island be deleted permanently from this shard in a mega-event in which all shard players are forced to participate. I'll try to be there if it fits my schedule. If I am unable to do so, I expect all of those who do participate to take a variety of video captures from the event. I must also demand that this event take place in an instance, using Kingdom Reborn graphics. In lieu of Blanche, I will accept Occlo as a replacement... and then never deco it. Please remove the new players from my private island. (4) In my years of absence, my 1337sk1LLz have deteriorated significantly. Consequently, I demand an honour guard of no fewer than 15 insta-kill capable virtue guards. Order will suit me nicely. I also demand that each guild provide me with at least one plenipotentiary, whose first loyalty shall be to me. I also demand that someone cover the cost of no fewer than 200 hours of PvP lessons, which I may or may not commit to attending, and act as my proxy in all duels, with the wins credited to me. (5) Currently, I am penniless. Thus, being aware that I must swallow what remains of my pride and fall on the gracious mercy and generosity of others, I will accept charity, gratefully and with supreme humility. This charity must be given in the form of first-anni blue/pink hued clothing, large amounts of plat, and unique rares (I do mean unique; none of that "only 2 on the shard" nonsense). I will also accept indentured servitude, so long as it is perpetual, and I am allowed to dictate your login times. When approaching me to provide said charity, you are to bow three times, beat your breast twice, followed by a second series of bows. Always approach from the south, and remain at least one tile on the z-axis below me. Proper forms of address, which I must insist that you observe meticulously, include "The Right Arm of Telamon", "Saviour of the Shard", "The Supreme Smurf", and "Lord British". Also, to provide a sustainable source of income befitting the benefits that I convey upon the shard by my mere presence, I must demand a tithe on everyone's plat, and a double tithe on all loot drops. These may be automatically deposited in my bank account by a method to be determined by the GMs. These are my conditions, which I expect to be met within the week. Otherwise, I shall never return. Seriously though: The other day I logged in to claim my 9th anni rewards, and, to give you an idea how little I play, only one of my accounts qualified! Seeing the shard made me nostalgic. I got the bug to write a bit of satire, and reach out and see how everyone is doing. I currently have neither the plans, nor the ability IRL, to devote any time to playing, but I missed you all, and figured it was a great chance to catch up. I also wanted to thank both the shard-staff and everyone who plays here for providing me with years of fun during a time in my life when I was still getting things figured professionally and personally. During this period, I needed to escape, from time to time, into a fantasy world populated by like-minded folks. What I found here was a fraternity of people who, in spite of occasional disagreements and drama, were all committed to the good of the shard, and who were, almost to a player, willing to help out anyone who needed it. Even when my houses fell, the group that did the IDOC made sure to save a bag of stuff that they correctly surmised had sentimental value to me, and reached out to return it. There were times where I very much needed the fun, fellowship, and crazy moments I had here. The shard never disappointed. For the past several years, I've thought about writing a long "What the Shard Meant to Me" gratitude post, and I still might. That said, a footnote at the end of a forum joke seemed appropriate in lieu of a longer missive I may never get around to. From this retired player: Thanks for all of the good times!